My Parents Are Teaching Me How To Date

It was valentine's day! Valentine's day is fun if you're in a relationship, but as a single individual, it feels like couples are on steroids. It's the day where everyone wants to show the world - they are in love and are taken. 

I know I'm mocking them, but, deep down- deep deep deep down, I want to be doing the exact same things. 

My parents and I talk everyday for at least two hours. The conversation can range from intellectual, to slightly intellectual to toilet humor. We mostly talk about poop. Neither one of us is brilliant enough to hold a very intellectual and insightful conversation for too long. So yesterday, my parents decided to ask me about dating and what's been up with me on that front. 

I told them, nothing has been "up" (pun intended) on that front. 

To that they proceed to give me tips on how and who I should be dating in my twenties. My PARENTS are teaching me how to date. 

I have officially hit rock-bottom. 

This is all so weird for me because, I wasn't allowed to date in my teens. I asked my dad about this and he explained it to me so I listened to him and decided not to rebel, because I love him too much and don't want to hurt him. But seriously, I'm so glad I listened to him. But now, since I'm apparently old enough and can be considered a fully grown woman, it's "time" for me to delve into the world of dating... 

The mother and father have two very contrasting views. 

The mother is more of a - try out multiple penises before you settle for one. 

The father is more of a - one man for a long time should be enough.  

The mother's ideology is very GenZ and apparently what I "should" be doing because I'm in my twenties. But casual dating and casual sex is scary as fuck. For those who manage to do it effortlessly I have mad respect for you. I mean think about it - 

1) the guy could be a murderer or worse have an STI. 

2) if you have sex with 5 different guys in a week and end up pregnant- you may not know whose kid is in you. The confusion! 

3) he could film you. 

4) I get so caught up on these three reasons, I haven't had the chance to think of the 4th.

After almost 22 years of existence I am not ashamed to say, I am too much of a road side Romeo to be having flings and I like it! 

I had to explain to them, people don't exactly "date" anymore. There's this thing called a hook-up culture that prevails and the idea of taking someone out and getting to know someone is almost as alien as aliens themselves. After this I had to explain what hooking up means and my over protective father started panicking. 

My dad has a list of qualities I should look for in a guy. So welcome to the do's and don'ts of dating. 

Or. 

The kind of guy your parents won't mind you "doing"-  

1. He should have clean teeth. 

2. Make sure his nails are well cut. 

3. If he has a earring, it's an immediate - NO! 

4. If he has a pineapple haircut, it's an immediate- NO! 

5. He should have some substance "to" him not "on" him. 

6. Family oriented 

7. Should be sincere in every aspect of life. 

8. Get a "normal" guy not some kind of wannabe "hero". 

9. If he boasts about himself a lot - NO! 

10. If he is constantly looking at himself in the mirror- NO! 

My parents' fuckboy radar is on high alert apparently. It's sweet to see they care, but sometimes, it's just awkward. 

I often wonder what to say during these random conversations, but I'm so glad they happen because I can laugh about it later.

So this is it- a snippet of my fam.